Surgeon General’s warning: I don’t claim to know the future. Reading could have lingering side effects on your fantasy football team’s performance
Broncos PR guy: Alright, time for two more!”
Reporter: Hey Russ, Ryan O’Halloran, Denver Post. It’s the end of October, you guys are 7-1 (dream big right?), you’re only trailing the 8-0 Vikings (Ok, maybe too big) and you beat the 49ers 63-0 on back on Sept. 25 (sorry Freud) … What are you hoping to accomplish over the bye week?
Russ Wilson: Honestly, right now I just need to recharge the batteries, you know. (Typewriter sounds clacking, papers flipping, someone sniffs).
I’m going to head up to Vail with Ciara and just get away from the film room and the playbook. Maybe do some skiing.
(Audible gasps and murmuring. More typewriter clickety-clacks. Paper is torn).
Broncos PR guy: Last one!
Sederquist: (Waving hand like a first-grader during story time) Oh! Oh! Russ!
Broncos PR guy: Hey, wait a minute! How did that guy get in here? (rushes to back of room).
Sederquist: Russ, Ryan “Seder-skier.com” Sederquist … of Skieologians fame. (awkward pause; O’Halloran pauses from briefcase-packing and turns around to look at imposter). ….anyway … so, you said you’re skiing. Do you prefer skate or classic?
Russ: I, ahh …I don’t know what you’re —
Sederquist: (habitual interruption to insert self into story) I would suggest the Vail Nordic Center if you are a double-pole guy, as I am. A lot of flats and gradual uphills. Great views of the Gore Range. Nice lodge for your family to stay warm, too.
Russ: I actually prefer going downhill, you know.
Sederquist: In that case, might I suggest you head up Highway 24, swing past Minturn and hit up Maloit Park. Steeper, for sure (Broncos PR guy makes move to microphone; Sederquist’s eyes widen and pace quickens) but, ah, anyway, those SSCV kids out there can really show you great technique.
Russ: So, I just want to clarify —
(Notebooks return, typewriters come to rest as fingers anxiously hang in the balance)
— we’re actually probably going to ski at Beaver Creek — we’re staying with Lewis Hamilton and he’s going to show me around.
Sederquist: Oh! Beaver Creek has a Nordic center!
O’Halloran: Who is this clown?!
Broncos PR guy: (Grabbing Sederquist) Ok, enough of you.
Sederquist: Russell, wait! Can I ask you one more?
(Bewildered PR guy grips Sederquist as awkward pause sets in.)
Russ: Yeah, that’s no problem, dude.
Sederquist: Can I record you saying something for my podcast? (Does not wait for reply) Ok. Repeat after me —
Broncos PR guy: Alright, no. You’re done. Russ — everybody — thank you, thank you.
Sederquist: (being carried out by security, yelling, with voice fading away): Just say: “WINTER IS commmmmmmming! ….”