November 20th, 2018 PRESS RELEASE
“Dad’s” team feels pressure to finally win backyard Thanksgiving football game after momentous off-season, which included signing “all-time QB” Dave Sederquist to fully guaranteed 3-year, 97-million dollar deal.
Courtney Cronin, ESPN Staff writer
After taking his team all the way to the final drive of the annual Division 1AAA Backyard Thanksgiving Two-hand Touch Football Championship but coming up just short (“all we needed was a touchdown, two point conversion, onside kick, touchdown, two point conversion, on side kick, touchdown, two point conversion, on side kick, touchdown, two point conversion, onside kick – stop me when we make up 36 points”), team owner Jake Sederquist decided to go all in to ensure his squad would have the needed puzzle pieces in place to position themselves properly to propel players to “pick up the pieces” and win the whole thing the next year. Instead of going with the traditional style of allowing any member of the team who desires to play quarterback by simply grabbing the ball after a failed play and before the next hike and saying, “Ok, here is what we are going to do,” Sederquist decided to follow the analytics and hire an “All-time” QB (ATQB).
“If you look at the tried and true stats, the ones we can all make sense of, this was clearly the best decision to make,” the owner, who is actually a golden retriever border collie mut, said.
He may have a point.
Teams with an all-time QB generally score at a rate equivalent to 1.09 times more than the other team, based off of data from the last 9 years*
(*only 2 instances have occurred in the history of the Thanksgiving game where a team decided on an all-time QB, and one of those involved a girl playing quarterback, which we know obviously skews the numbers…)
Signing Dave Sederquist to such a large contract, fully guaranteed, comes with some financial risks, especially with Christmas around the corner and all of the shopping and travel related burdens on the team ownership. Also, the team bus – or – 2013 Chevrolet Avalanche, was recently totaled in an accident with a deer on highway 200, which means the club will likely think twice about going over the salary cap and paying the luxury tax. This could mean that while they now have “their quarterback,” potentially more valuable players, like Kyle Rudolphesque red-zone threat Savannah Sederquist and Bobby Wagner look-a-like Turi Sederquist, who won the ESPY for Play of the Year after leveling – go to 3:00 in the video to see slow motion of this amazing tackle) 6’6, 260 pound Willard Sederquist in 2016, could walk during free agency. When asked about these future cornerstone players, Jake believed that they would remain loyal to the team and the Sederquist family for “other family reasons.” When pressed on the issue, Jake barked twice, perked his ears, bent his face sideways, growled, and then said, “Are we going to talk about this all day or are we going to talk about the Dolphins?”
Securing the quarterback of the future was important to Sederquist, both the dog version and the human, however, and will allow upper management to now focus on keeping other key players around during what many owners often refer to as a “Super Bowl Window.” Given that the quarterback will be 58 going into this year’s game, that window may be closing soon, but….look at Tom Brady. Sederquist hopes, and again, this would be both the dog and human version, that by being afforded the opportunity toplay with his own kids (who are actually arguably in the later stages of their football primes at 27 and 30 years old) will rejuvenate the club and keep everyone young, hip-with-it-and-wow. “They showed Dave how Instagram works and took a picture and stuff,” said the quarterback’s agent, a pesky porcupine that has been eating at the side of Sederquist’s pumphouse on Bad Medicine Lake. “We needed to try a few different angles and use some different filters to make everyone look good after eating all of that food at the Thanksgiving meal. He talked about how during his childhood he used to chop wood in the very field they now play in, but I think the younger athletes had stopped listening to him at that point. You know kids these days – they are more just waiting for their turn to talk.”
One player whose window seems to remain open eternally is Derek Ace Haukebo, who has only seemed to get exponentially faster – or at least relatively faster compared to his aging, decrepit opponents – terrorizing defensive backs and forcing league officials to implement new rules on kick-offs to prevent a slew of returns. Here is the last of the stats that will make sense to you as the reader: Ace scores 67% of the time he touches the ball. And, 73.2% of the time he touches the ball on kick-offs, he scores, every time.
His WAR (Wins Above Replacement) is higher than Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Hank Aaron, Paul Pierce, Leif Erikson, and Corey Koskie combined. It is his ability to accelerate out of the stance quickly, change directions on a dime, and blow by defenders with his top-end speed that really set him apart. All of those attributes, which could either be described using language, or made clearer using a stat, will now be made clearer using a stat: 14.67. That is Haukebo’s score. This box below shows other athletes’ numbers in this stat, which is called TD’s per game (Total Domination, not Touchdowns)
TD’s per game
Derek Haukebo – 14.67 (2017)
Tom Sederquist – 11.19 (2017)
Derek Haukebo – 11.13 (2012)
Uncle Bud – 5.43 (2009)
Savannah Link – 3.21 (2013)
Savannah Sederquist – 3.11 (2016)
Joanie Sederquist – 1.23 (2017)
While comparing Haukebo’s TD’s with other athletes’ helps to give you some perspective, it is worth noting that until 2017, games were often contested in the snow, but thanks to the recent global climate crisis, grass fields are the norm. Also, Haukebo has been under investigation for violating league rules and uniform codes, has he often has been accused of purchasing high tech, lightweight hiking boots that, when compared to the traditional sorels or even steel toed boots preferred to be worn by such players as Daniel Sederquist, can literally turn him into Adrian Peterson circa 2012 playing against a group of 2nd graders. In a 2015 match, he showed up with gloves that were insulated AND ‘grippy,’ which was, according to Ryan Sederquist, “totally unfair” and by wearing them, showed a “disrespect to the heart and intent of the league’s culture, which fosters fumbles over one handed catches.”
Worth noting is the GHAC (General Happiness And Content) of players on ATQB teams, which often can sputter below the league average of 23.04. The most recent ATQB team, “Mom’s” team, had a GHAC of 17.51 through the 1st quarter of play in the 2016 championship match. After a brief break to warm up hands and throw sticks at the family dog, Tessa, the GHAC rose to 26.78, but the team still lost. Generally speaking, when leading through the first 4 possessions of games which start before 2:30 PM and end when you can smell the turkey coming from Grandpa’s roaster, ATQB teams force a “next score wins” situation 34.67% of the time. However, when games are played post meal, if the ATQB team is leading by more than 10 points, 48% of the time they come out on top, unless Haukebo switches teams, in which case, the team with Ace wins 97% of the time.
When asked to comment on the signing, Dave Sederquist seemed to believe that he was ushering in a new era for players in the CBA, or collective bargaining agreement. He hopes that collectively, players can bargain with Grandpa into allowing them to use the “ballpark” for future years, while keeping the agreement with the aunts and Grandma to be “home before dark, all washed up and ready to eat dinner with the rest of the family.”
“We will just take it one day at a time,” he said.