What an interesting and personally relevant study!

I hope you enjoy some of my reflections. Keep in mind, even though my tone might come across authoritatively, know that I’m not an expert on this topic, nor do I claim to be. I am continually learning from others through books, sermons and my own daily Bible reading and prayer. I’m fine bluntly reminding readers I’m coming at this topic from a Christian perspective with a Christ-centered vision and goal. Even if that’s not your belief, however, I hope you find a nugget or two to apply to your life.

Warmest regards,

The SederSkier

Citation:

Bergström, Max & Solli, Guro & Sandbakk, Oyvind & McGawley, Kerry & Sæther, Stig. (2024). Finding the optimal balance: father-athlete challenges facing elite Nordic skiers. Frontiers in Sports and Active Living. 6. 10.3389/fspor.2024.1427211.

Abstract:

Background: In the last decade, a growing body of research has focused on the many aspects and challenges of combining parenthood with elite sport.Although the number of father-athletes is significantly higher than the number of mother-athletes, few studies to date have focused on male athletes’ experiences in a parenting context.

Aim: The aims of the present study were to explore how father-athlete challenges manifest among elite Nordic skiers in Norway, and to better understand how male athletes balance their priorities as they initiate, maintain, and/or discontinue their athletic career as a father-athlete.

Methods: Qualitative data were collected through semi-structured interviews with 10 world-class male Nordic skiers in Norway (3 athletes without a child, 4 current father-athletes and 3 former father-athletes) and the content was analyzed using thematic analysis.

Results: Four main stages were identified in the father-athlete transition: (a)Expecting incompatibility (b) Taking the step, (c), The first blow, and (d) Finding the optimal balance. Through these stages the informants expected/had experienced challenges such as performance decline, disturbed sleeping patterns, fear of sickness and role conflicts. To manage these challenges, the father-athletes had developed various strategies to balance their dual roles(e.g., adapting training and competition seasons). Among the benefits, the father-athletes mentioned that they had become more structured, time efficient and ruthless with their priorities, enhanced motivation to train and abetter work-life balance.

Conclusion: This study offers valuable insights into father-athlete challenges that can be used to support career longevity and work-life balance among male athletes

The Summary of four main father-athlete challenges

Expecting incompatibility

This is the toughest stage, in some ways. You are Columbus standing in Europe, preparing to face the unknown ocean of potential problems. Taking the leap — and you do almost always have to take a leap when it comes to having kids — is scary.

Personally, all of the ‘expected challenges’ resonate deeply with me, except the role conflict. I felt nervous about finances, insecure my empty athletic bucket list, and concerned I would never have time to address those missing performance dreams and goals. But I’ve always known, no matter what — even if I lose my legs and can never ski again — that my identity is ultimately rooted in who I am in Christ. It’s fundamental to me as a father — and as an athlete. I can’t imagine going into something as hard as parenting without having a clear vision and consistent, true worldview to base it off of…

Taking the step

The push-pull factors were also a part of my experience (See, I should have been a part of this study. Oyvind!).

I knew that no matter where we were in life, I couldn’t postpone children until much past 30. That’s probably why we got pregnant at the most unstable stage of our marriage! (I was working as a remote teacher on a temporary contract…had no idea what was next….). Also, Christie was pushing to have kids. I’d achieved some athletic goals. As insignificant as they were, I had actually moved closer to a place of peace athletically than I had been 3-4 years prior. Finally, I had the support of my parents (or rather, the pressure from wannabe grandparents) and the ‘role model’ of my twin brother, who was expecting his second child at the time. All those factors pushed me into taking the leap and trusting God.

That last point — trusting God — was the key to figuring out how to fly the plane while Christie and built it. The other principle I carried was a bit of a stubborn will to prove to my parents that I could be like them and continue pushing the athletic envelope into parenthood. I was desperate to maintain my training load, even temporarily, to prove to myself it was possible. That meant being flexible in a scheduling sense — and during the ‘first blow’ stage, it meant being flexible philosophically. Both have helped get me to a place today where I feel like I’m in a somewhat sustainable program of parenting and athletic pursuits…(But I know it will continue to morph as my kids and I age and move into new chapters).

The first blow

First of all, brilliant title.

Second, I think it’s hilarious that kindergarten is one of the strategies! I mean, there’s also daycare, too, right? Today, we don’t place a lot of value parents, especially moms, who give up a career to raise their kids full-time. I just heard from someone today that raising kids was their favorite job. Come to think of it, I’ve never heard a mom who gave up a career to be a stay-at-home mom say anything else.

That being said, I think the ‘kindergarten’ bit reveals something we struggle with as a society. We are so wealthy that we do see kids as nothing more than an accessory, the ‘next logical phase of life as meat and brain fizz on a stick,’ or a chore that sometimes gets in the way of us doing whatever we want ….or becoming whatever we aspire to be.

The point is: if you don’t know what the real reason is for having kids, then I don’t think it’s wise to have a kid. If you want to know more about why kids matter, I suggest reading this book, titled, “Why Children Matter.” It is a two hour book on tape. Do it. Do it now!

Finding the optimal balance

Generally, I dislike the word ‘balance’ and people who use it. I know, I use it…ok…failed argument. Start over.

What I mean is this: I often feel like people insert ‘balance’ into conversations where what they really are trying to say is ‘compromise.’ I’m not a fan of this ‘bad balance.’

I like people who are driven. People who live boldly with a sense of humble conviction based in sound doctrine and truth. Balance in that context is more about finding sustainable rhythm. It’s like a symphony that learns to listen across the orchestra — in addition to mastering their individual parts — through collective and personal struggle, hard work, perseverance, etc. The ‘bad’ balance is like a conductor who comes in when things sound rough on the second rehearsal and tells the clarinets who can’t cross the break well that they should just leave!

Balance doesn’t have to mean caving in or giving up and it should never mean compromising on fundamental principles.

So, what does optimal ‘balance’ look like in the father-athlete topic?

Adaptation in training? Yes.

Flexibility in schedules and mindset? Yes.

Compensating for egoistic focus when possible? That sounds super weird, but if it means being more selfless, then yes?

Really, ‘optimal’ in my book means being a Godly-leader of your family first, which requires that you follow God as a man, individually. It means being a good steward of what he’s given you — wife, kids, house, job, and sporting talents. Working the logistics out via continual, faith-based conversations with your spouse keeps you on the same page. Being humble enough to take correction from her and others is essential. Listen to older dads who have been there and done it well.

There isn’t a one-size-fits all fatherhood-athlete formula. But there is an essential component, I believe. And that is believing in Christ and loving Him with all of your heart, soul and mind. The specific action-steps must flow from that.

My takeaways:

Being a good athlete and being a good parent is possible.

I can’t speak from World Cup experience, but I can say from my own life that it’s possible to pursue excellence in sports (and other private, passionate ventures) while still being a present, God-fearing father. I would argue, in fact, that it’s a man’s duty to do just that.

We are called to provide, protect and lead our families. We are called to guide them into the truth. We’re called to shepherd the spiritual condition of our wife and children, sanctifying the former and leading the latter into the ‘nurture and admonition of the Lord.’

And, we’re called to have dominion over the earth. To be culture builders. To create and construct. To dare, to dream, to dominate, if you will. Men have a disposition to go out and make things, to conquer, to have a successful hunt and return back home with a bounty.

But there’s a ditch on either side of this road. One temptation, and this is particularly true for men, is to be egotistically absorbed in our passion projects. To seek adventure and conquest and riches — and in realizing that our family is only ‘slowing us down,’ abandon them altogether. One of the hardest pulls felt in fatherhood is the temptation to run away and be free again. This is one reason for the high rates of divorce in our world — ultimately, we are just so selfish.

I also believe there is a man who, under the guise of putting ‘family first,’ abdicates his other calling to fulfill his maximal potential in creative pursuits. While one could argue this swerve is less deadly than the other, it can have similarly generational affects. How much initiative will your children have when they’ve never seen it from you? Will they understand stewardship of time, talent and opportunity if they never saw you boldly take risks to maximize yours?

Something to consider.

Now, if my assertion is that being a good athlete is ‘possible,’ during parenthood, the next obvious question is: how?

Priorities matter.

Priorities matter in two ways. First, regardless of whether or not you’re an athlete, prospective parents should share foundational values. Ideally, that belief system would be the “right one,” too. If a couple is unified in Christ, then they are also unified in their child-rearing mission (and many of the methods used — though, it’s possible to have two Christians with differences of opinions on certain elements. That’s to be expected, to some degree).

The other meaning behind this point is that children should be a priority! It seems obvious, but I can’t believe how many times, as I read through this study, I felt as though kids were some sort of burdensome accessory or, maybe more depressing, a clinical stimulus — like the addition of a twice-a-week 2-hour post-workout sauna. (‘Well, it might make me a better athlete…but chances are, it won’t.) Even the results header — ‘the first blow’ — is telling.

These athletes’ main objective in life is to ‘win.’ And the standard they grade their victory is not God’s standard. Well, life gets really messy when you are living in God’s world but not according to His Word. This study is a prime example. Now, that’s not to say that a Christian athlete who is venturing into parenthood won’t have challenges — and in fact, that those challenges could be studied, as they are here.

In fact, I would venture to guess some of the challenges would be similar. But there would be an undeniable current pulsating purposeful truths throughout the challenges, namely that the whole point of everything is to glorify our Creator and in every hardship, be sanctified so as to become more like him. Obstacles fall into place when the right priorities are in place first.

The plan matters, too

When a mom and dad are shooting for the same goals, based on a shared vision and rooted in Biblical core values, success is possible. (It’s also meaningful, because your end goal isn’t just to raise kids that “turn out” but raise kids who continue your kingdom work and Christian legacy, something which is definitionally eternal).

But — and we’ll keep the coaching terminology going — the playbook itself might look different for each circumstance.

Family size, socio-economic status, spouse’s athletic desires, geographic location, sport choice, age of kids, etc. are all variables needing integration into your individual dynamic. In my short (10 years of marriage and 3 years of parenting and counting) experience, my advice for working through this would be as follows:

1. Pray and read the Bible with your spouse. This is the most important thing to do anyway, for all couples. It’s helped when I’m tempted to get carried away with my own ambitions. It also reminds me of the point of those ambitions. Finally, it sets the stage for my wife and I to have a shared conversation about how we can best utilize our talents and goals to further the kingdom. She knows where I’m coming from (rooted in Christ) and that allows me to be open and transparent — and vulnerable. If I suggest we, for example, sell our house to live in a van at the top of Cottonwood Pass so I can sleep at 13,000 feet in preparation for the Pikes Peak Ascent, she can say, “I think that’s reasonable.” When I ask if she’s ok doing that for the next four years, she can add to her statement by saying, “No. Not that, anything but that.”
2. Demonstrate duality. The higher you’re reaching, the more disciplined and drive you must be. I sometimes view myself as having a little bit of a bi-polar personality. I strive to simultaneously hold a gruff and tuff (maybe even egotistical, to use the term from this study) side and a soft, reasonable, ‘normal’ side. The former spurs my willingness to double-pole through a hurricane at 10 p.m. or push the kids on a stroller run to the top of Mt. Blue Sky (never actually done that, but now that I’ve typed it, I’m tempted to try). The latter should allow me to miss the afternoon workout and take my daughter to Taco Bell for nachos at 3:45 p.m. The point is: do what you have to do to get the work in, but try as hard as you can to make the Black Mamba mentality a secret to your kids (at least when they’re really little). And if the cost of doing that is a 10 p.m. rollerski session, than pay it…or switch bank accounts.
3. Be savvy, always…and flexible, sometimes. This is related to the above statement. Savviness here refers to the ability to reorient our beliefs, to reshape our views and to creatively rework our life so that productive training is possible — while parenting is prioritized. Too often in this study, the sentiment from athletes was that parenting could only negatively affect their athletics. While it’s true that you won’t have the ‘freedom’ to sleep 12 hours a night and orient your day completely around a 90-minute workout, it doesn’t necessarily follow that that is indeed the best course of action for your athletics. I elaborate on this more in our podcast, but basically, it is worth noting that the balance, challenge and intrinsic reward from parenthood — which has a sanctifying effect not found anywhere else — can also make you better at things outside of parenthood. Like sports. So, be flexible in how you interpret science, how you view a training day (or rest day) and how you schedule both. Don’t embrace the dad bod. Embrace your ‘dad strength’ …(and the two-kid penalty) …with open arms.
4. Don’t give up. Sports is hard enough, even if it’s the only thing you have going on and you’re living in a 23-year-old body. It gets harder as you get older. So, I’ll say it here: don’t give up. This is also true in parenting. Parenting is harder than sports (this is one example, by the way, of an element which could be leveraged for a father’s gain with proper perspective shifts). It can feel overwhelming and hopeless. It can feel like a burden we’d like to run away from. Don’t. The essence of your manhood is found in your sacrificial assumption of responsibility, played out as a husband who loves his wife like Christ loved the church…and as a father who raises his children to follow the Lord.

Don’t conflate presence with principled parenting. The alliterations are flowing and I apologize!

One thing which struck me about this paper was discussed in the theoretical framework. The authors juxtaposed the ‘traditional’ idea of a father being a ‘detached’ ‘breadwinner’ against the new-age Scandinavian sociocultural ideal of an ‘involved,’ ‘intimate,’ ‘caring’ and ‘domesticated’ — “involved and present” — dad.

Athletes of today face apparently face this pressure as they contemplate fatherhood. In their minds, it’s not as ‘easy’ as it used to be, I guess, because in the old days, dad could just go on gallivanting around town all day, make jokes around the water cooler, and trade stocks while mom was stuck home with the responsibility of the children.

The first thing this reveals is the secular worldview’s general misunderstanding of ‘traditional’ fatherhood paradigms. In the secular framework, to be labeled a ‘breadwinner’ comes with some baggage.

Picture the prototypical dads of the 40s and 50s. They wake up expecting a hot breakfast of eggs and bacon and a kiss on the cheek before leaving for the whole day — presumably forcing a ‘trapped’ wife (who has her own worldly ambitions unrelated to childrearing …but had to make the bacon and eggs) do all the housework, deal with all the messes and raise the kids. At the end of the day, the man returns to a hot supper before retreating to his man cave, right?

Well, I hate to break it to the supposedly progressive-minded folks out there, but no one — especially people holding on to conservative views of fatherhood — would say that’s being a good dad. Certainly the Bible does not espouse that kind of ‘leadership’ and it’s not what it means to be the head of the household.

As I said before, there are two ditches for fathers to fall into, and the above scenario describes one. When a man is captured by his innate (and positive, when channeled appropriately) culture-building, earth-domineering tendencies, and he seeks adventure to the degree that his family is simply a burden at worst or noisy roommates at best, he can become this sort of deranged character.

It turns out going all in on selfish ambitions (career, money, success) does in fact result in “detached” fathers. The other side of the road, however, belongs to soft, weak males who abdicate from their God-given responsibility to lead, provide and protect.

Neither are good or right, but nonetheless, a misunderstanding of proper masculine leadership leads us — and this study — to a place where the response to ‘traditional’ husbandry is, at best, being willing to share the load with your wife…and at worst, simply a men metamorphosing into nothing more than an assistant wife.

Hopefully I’m not being misunderstood. I’m not saying that a Christian husband shouldn’t demonstrate affection, intimacy or care. I’m not saying they shouldn’t help out around the house or be involved. All of those things are vital and commensurate with Godly headship.

But those descriptions are not being placed within a Christian context of marriage in this study, and that makes a difference. I’m reading a dysfunctional call for men and women to be totally, exactly equal in their parenting into this study, because it is inherent to the worldview. But there’s a reason a family has a husband and a wife: the mom and dad bring something unique — and irreplaceable — to the table.

This early paragraph lays the philosophical foundation the 10 athletes are operating within. Understandably, it leads to all kinds of potential problems to work through (great for research!!!) because both partners are trying to play this game without employing God’s rulebook. Honestly, in some ways, the answer to the conundrum of balance for fathers — in any sphere — is as simple as this: do it God’s way and be blessed. (And the caveat: don’t do it God’s way at your own risk….)

So, back to presence.

Is being present all a dad has to do? Like, if I skip a workout so I can sit on the couch and rock my baby, shoot hoops with my son or listen to a story during my daughter’s tea party, am I checking off all that is required for being a good dad?

No. While I would say it’s impossible to be a good dad and NOT be present, it’s also very possible to be a present, but bad dad.

Being present, for example, doesn’t guarantee you will avoid these 8 parenting mistakes: shifting blame, having low expectations, having a child-centered home, failing to discipline, reasoning with your toddler, neglecting your grade-schooler, disrespecting your teenager or, most importantly, missing Christ. {hit the link, read the book…it’s a good one}

I’ll say this: the most important thing for a parent isn’t to be present, per se. It’s to lead your kids to Christ. If you fail everywhere — except in that category — you will have succeeded in giving your kids the gift of eternal life. What could be more valuable?

But, if you succeed in every area but that, you’ve failed to give your kids the one thing that actually matters.

For more rambling dissertations on this topic, and other things that matter, check out the latest episode of the SederSkier Podcast.